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Would you like to be on the receiving end of you?

When your relationship is in crisis you can find yourself on the defensive and angry. You will also probably blame your partner.

You can feel they have changed their behaviours and created a version of themselves which you dislike.  But what about you?  Are you also responsible?  The answer is YES.

If you are also lashing out without any thought on how these negative, destructive behaviours will be received then I would like you to ask yourself:

Would you like to be on the receiving end of you?

If the answer is no then I would like you to consider some new ways of approaching your issues.

Trade expectation for appreciation

When a couple is in crisis their focus is frequently negative. Each of you can be on the ‘hunt’ for things that are wrong.  If your focus is expecting to find things to annoy you – that’s what you’ll find.

You’ll miss or ignore anything good.  By changing your focus from expectation to appreciation you are more likely to ‘hunt’ for good or better things.  Yes, of course, you will still come across things that irritate but they will not become all-encompassing.  You will give yourself a more balanced view of life.

Kill criticism

In my experience, no one feels more love for someone who criticises them. If you’re being criticised by your partner you will feel hurt/dismissed/ignored/misunderstood. Now it’s highly likely you will dish out your own criticism to ‘get your own back’.  Each of you is now fighting your own corner and neither of you will be enjoying the experience.

Learning how to kill criticism is vital. This doesn’t mean you bottle up your feelings.   You both learn how to approach upsets in the best way to get the best from each other.  This requires you to learn what your partner needs rather than focusing on yourself.

Decide to make giving love more important than being right

If you fight to be right you are automatically making your partner wrong.  If you don’t like being a loser then they aren’t going to like it either.  They won’t like being on the receiving end of you.

The goal here is to learn to communicate with each other in ways which allow you to understand each other at a deeper level.  No winners.  No losers.

Listen to Learn

To do this you need to learn to listen!  Listen to learn about your partner rather than listening to reply.  By the way, as soon as you start to plan your reply/defence you are no longer actively listening.

Your choices

How you choose to behave is up to you.  How you choose to interpret the messages you receive to also up to you.  Your choices can have a massive impact on your state and the way you respond.  By learning to respond differently you will create new responses in your partner.

It’s not rocket science!

Learning new tools to help you both is critical.  Become committed to finding out and a new future will open up in front of you. Carry on with what you’ve always done and nothing is going to change.

I will add here that not all couples should be together.  Some relationships do not have a future.

However, before you decide to walk away be sure you are walking away for the right reasons and not the wrong.  You won’t know until you have all the knowledge at your disposal.

The knowledge of what your partner needs and how they need those needs to be met.

The information about what you actually need rather than what you may currently believe.

You could be missing out on a close connected future together – one that gives you both the future you both crave.  One where you each love being on the receiving end of you.