Which version of you shows up with your partner?

We all have different versions of ourselves that we use in different situations.

Good relationships don’t stay good without a deep and committed understanding of yourself and who you are, however by habitually using the wrong version of you for your partner you may not be getting the best from your relationhip.

So my question is which version of you is showing up for your partner?

Is it:

  • The work you
  • The parent you (Mum or Dad you)
  • The child you (good or bad)
  • The fun you
  • Maybe the outrageous you
  • The lover you

Probably a combination of several of the above.  However is there one that is more dominant and more frequent?  Have you abandoned the version of you that connected with your partner when you first met?  If so Why?

Some examples

So what happens if you bring the work version of you home to your family?  Many years ago I worked with a couple who were in trouble because he brought the barrister version of him home and proceeded to interrogate his wife every evening.  By learning to leave the work version of himself (barrister) at work their life together changed massively as she no longer felt she was ‘in the dock’.


When you have children this will result in the creation of a new version of you. Parenting.  Mums can fall into the trap of running ‘mum mode’ even after the children have gone to bed.  Your man can end up feeling mothered.  Or as ‘mum’ you can become a list creator and end up handing chores to your man, teaching him ‘how to load the dishwasher’, asking him to take his shoes off when he comes in………..  etc, etc.  By the way Dads can do the same.

Most men do not respond well to To-Do lists at home

At work, you may need to be the leader and the decision-maker but bring this home and life may not be so good.  You can appear to your partner as controlling and, dare I say it, bossy!  Neither of which will create a loving connection.

We become who we need to be in specific situations.  But all these different modes of behaviour (all these different you’s) form the person you are.  Are you running the right one(s) for your partner?

Is your partner running their one that makes you feel special and loved?

If you’re not sure then ask yourself:  Do you like you all the time?

Which version of you do you habitually run – and is it the right one?

So if you’re not sure then take time to find out.

Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong relationship.  That’s not the issue here.  You have probably created a coping strategy/version that is not meeting the needs of your partner or yourself.

If you don’t know where to begin then get in touch today, you may find you surprise yourself!