What happens when your energy is focussed on avoiding pain

We are designed to avoid pain.  Therefore very often we focus our energy on this one important aspect of our lives.  Avoid pain whenever possible.

The problem with this, within a relationship, is we forget about gaining pleasure.

Many people in pain will do anything to avoid more.  This is quite understandable.  Their actions though can be destructive.  Their behaviours can change drastically as they close themselves down to ‘keep themselves from feeling more pain’.  This stops them from being who they truly are as the problems are now running them rather than them being in control and taking constructive action to find out how to solve the issues they need to deal with.

Many people just ‘run’.

To gain pleasure you have to face an element of risk.  That risk element can be the fear of rejection.  Fear that your actions or advances will be turned down or rejected.  So to avoid this possibility individuals will avoid going for pleasure and instead create behaviours which avoid pain and so protect themselves against the possibility of rejection.

I see this a great deal in the people who come to me for coaching and help.

  • “If I do this and it makes no difference then what’s the point”
  • “If I give love and it’s rejected then I’ll be hurt even more”
  • “Why should I – if he/she isn’t”

Avoiding pain in a relationship rarely solves the problem

The problem with this situation is now no-one is giving. No-one is seeking pleasure.  Yes they’re avoiding pain by shutting off the hurt as much as possible, but, and this is an important BUT, by doing so they are also closing the door to pleasure. They are closing the door to connection.  They are closing the door to the opportunities which may be there to be grasped.

How would it be if you threw caution to the wind and went all out for creating pleasure with the one you are with?  Perhaps as small a gesture as greeting them with a smile, rather than turning away.  Maybe as small as thanking them for a gesture or action they’ve given.  It might be as small as listening to them for a few minutes just for the pleasure of listening.

When couples find themselves in crisis with each other so often they throw their efforts into avoiding more pain.  They will go out rather than be with each other;  watch TV, play on their computers; go to be early……..  Yes these are avoiding the pain and giving pleasure in other areas but they are also ducking the pleasure that was once part of their life with their partner.

Right now if your marriage is having problems then turning your back on each other is not going to solve it.  Take a risk and find out other ways of doing.

If you don’t know how to do this in the way that is right for each of you then get in contact now before it’s too late.