When is it safe to change?

Doing or behaving differently to the way you have before can seem impossible.  Right!  So when is it safe to change?

Or more importantly when will you feel safe to change?  Couples can so easily get stuck in patterns of behaviour that actually don’t work.  They don’t meet each other’s needs and do not create any harmony.  None of those wonderful feelings you both had when you first met.

Each individual hangs on to their way of behaving, doing  or wanting something – usually because it’s what’s worked before.  Now however the results are far from satisfactory but neither one knows what to do differently, and anyway why should it be me that changes or gives in!  Well I suppose that largely depends on what outcome you are looking for.  If you want more of the same then I can see that changing doesn’t seem very attractive, but if what you are looking for is that close, passionate connection you are yearning for then  looking at other possibilities might be an idea.

I am not talking about compromise here.  Compromise that doesn’t have complete buy-in from both individuals rarely works in the long term.  Mainly because both won’t actually experience long term happiness and joy.  Yes in the sort term things may seem better but actually what you both want is not a feeling of ‘victory’ but equal joy.

So how do you get there?

Change can be fun and Change can be safe.

Often the problem is that there appears to be only two solutions.  His solution and Her solution!  Right.  So how about a third idea or a fourth, fifth, sixth……….

Creating more solutions to a problem will help you come up with an idea you’re both happy with.

So today I’d like you to try some brainstorming.

Step 1 – get hold of some paper – post it notes are great for this as you can stick ideas on a wall – and they peel off easily!

Step 2 – agree that all ideas are great ideas

Step 3 – agree that neither of you will dismiss the other’s ideas

Step 4 – take it in turns to write down an idea and stick it on the wall – you can expand on a previous idea or add a new one but no-one can remove an idea

Step 5 – when you’ve exhausted all your ideas each take a turn to  group them into 3 groups.  Definitely Not, Possibles, Good

Step 6 – see where you have commonality – if you find there are some which you both have in the Good category then now you have something to discuss

Step 7 – If not remove all those that fall into the No category for either of you

Step 8 – Now working with the Possibles – use them to expand these ideas

I wish you the best of luck – this is a fun challenge.  Bring in as much humour as you like to this challenge and be as crazy as you like – the answers may surprise you.