Patterns of Behaviour

We all create Patterns of Behaviour which are usually designed to ‘keep us safe’.

Let me give you an example.

If you’re a “morning” person you probably wake talkative and chatty and ready to grasp the day.  By evening you may want time on your own to unwind, mull over the day, have some quiet time and time to re-charge your batteries before facing the evening.  You may find you prefer to flop in front of the TV and be at peace.

Now you partner may be an “evening” person.  Their day starts totally differently.  The last thing they want first thing in the morning is to chat and ‘bounce’.  In fact they need to be left alone to wind up to the day and may even leave getting up to the last possible moment and then rush out the door in a fairly cross frame of mind.  By evening they’ve ‘become human’ and want to talk about their day and generally buzz.

Many couples who find themselves in this situation can, falsely, decide they are totally incompatible and should get out of the relationship fast.

Not so.  It’s all about understanding each other and how the other ticks so brush-offs at any time are understood for what they are and not as a signal that the other person doesn’t care or love them.  Understanding their pattern means you can adjust your timing to engage with them.  If your message is important make time to get it across at the time of day that works best for them.  If they understand this and see you have adjusted your need to meet theirs already they are going to be more receptive and appreciative of your efforts to meet their need.  This in turn will mean they can learn to meet your pattern. You don’t have to become a ‘morning’ person all the time but by explaining and appreciating each other’s patterns then when conflict happens you can both take a moment to wonder if it’s the pattern ‘kicking in’ rather than a more hurtful action.

This is just one example of a Pattern of Behaviour which is easy for couples to misinterpret.  Many are far more complex and can be based on mis-information, past hurts, lack of self-confidence and many many more.  If you would like to find out more and so learn how to develop a closer understanding and deeper bond with your partner then please contact me.