How do you get from pain to happiness

One of the frequent questions I get asked by couples is how do we get from pain to happiness.  What did we do to end up here?

I see many couples and individuals who tell me one thing only to focus on the opposite.

“I want to be closer to my partner”

“I want to let go of the pain”

“I want to stop the arguments we keep having”

They then rerun past arguments; accuse their partner of a variety of failings and so give themselves more pain and move further away from the happiness they want.  They move further apart rather than closer together.

To move from pain to happiness you cannot focus on the pain.  If you do all you will get is more of what you’ve already had.  If you focus on the pain you will find it very difficult to create happiness.  Your focus is in the wrong place.

So how do you go about changing your focus?

First and foremost is to understand who you are. If you don’t like the person you have become in your relationship then you can’t succeed at it from that place.  Equally you cannot run your successful work behaviours at home and expect equal success.  Your partner is neither an employee nor a work colleague.  There is no future in closing down emotionally at home and hoping that in time ‘something’ will happen to make things better.  It won’t.

Pain to Happiness takes a new approach

The first step is to trust in yourself that you have the power to solve the problems even if you don’t know how, right now. To have faith even when all you want to do is protect yourself from the pain.  To believe that never mind what your partner is saying (or doing) their intentions are well meant.

By taking charge of your emotions (no one else is in charge of them!  Only you) then you open yourself up to more choices.

More Choices lead to new results

Choice on how you react.  Do you choose to be defensive?  Answer back? Argue?  You could choose to listen and find out more about the emotional pain your partner is feeling.

Learning how to do this is just one of the tools I give couples in my sessions.  It is just one of the steps they take on their journey from pain to happiness.

Invest in the process and you will find out what is possible within your relationship.,