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My partner puts me down

I am often told by one or other of the people in my sessions that they feel put down by their partner.  For the one who feels this, this is a horrible place to be.  Feelings of failure, not being good enough and other negative emotions can easily dominate their mind.  Long term this will cause them to close down to their partner and withdraw.

There are two sides to this issue:

Are you the one who is running the put-down?

If you are the one who frequently tells your partner they’re wrong or “just to get on with life”, then what is your actual intention?  If your intention is to make yourself right and them wrong then I want you to ask yourself why?

    • What do you want to achieve by doing this?
    • Are you actually protecting yourself by doing this?
    • And if so what from?
    • Are you also feeling insecure? If so then a better thing to do is to tell them how you’re feeling rather than put them down.

You see if you make being right more important to you than giving love and hearing and understanding your partner then you are making them the loser.  No one feels great being a loser.  You wouldn’t.  But by doing what you have you aren’t actually winning at all.

You have actually lost.

  • You have lost their trust and that feeling they can turn to you to tell you anything.
  • You have lost their feeling of safety that you will always hear them.
  • You are losing their love.

By demanding to win you are losing.

Are you the one feeling put-down?

If you are the one who feels put down, I want you to ask yourself why? Yes, you could be with someone who, for some reason, has to be right.

What you don’t know is why they’re doing it.

They may, possibly, not be totally aware they’re doing it.

  • Some people can become over-enthusiastic about a particular issue and inadvertently put their partner down in their desire to share their excitement on the subject.
  • Some people are scared of being wrong as for them being wrong equals failure and not being enough.
  • Yes – some people want to control.

So before you run down your ‘feeling put down’ path take a moment to check-in with yourself and them. Question your interpretation. Let your partner know if you are feeling hurt. Remind yourself – and them – that love is not about control

I know this sounds all too easy and in reality, it is highly likely you will be finding these suggestions far too difficult to even contemplate.  But by taking steps to become the best versions of you, you will give you new choices.

Make your goal Never to put your partner down

By changing your focus you will give yourself a new outcome.  What would happen if each time you heard yourself running the old familiar pattern you took steps to change? To find out (by giving love and becoming lovingly curious) what they are thinking and feeling and to understand them from their point of view?

Learn the skill needed to do this

This is a skill and is one of the skills I teach my clients.  It is a skill which turns each of you into a giver.  This skill, amongst others, brings you towards a closer connection.  One which lasts through the upsets as well as the good times.  A skill which helps you grow together.