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Men – a post for you today

Today I want to focus on the men with relationship problems.  However, it is important that women read this so they can understand where men are coming from.

Men, you are, by and large, fixers and solvers.  This is where you feel successful and of use.  It is an important part of who you are. To enable you to fix or solve you will probably make any problem as small as you can – basically, so you can solve it!  Within your working environment or social activities, this works fine.  By the way, women can function in a similar fashion in these scenarios.

But if you use these abilities within an intimate relationship, this can be confusing to your partner.  She may see your logical solving ability as cold and uncaring.  She can easily feel you haven’t grasped her issues and so feel unheard and misunderstood.

So what do you do?

As I’ve said, your desire to reduce the problem to a manageable size can be easily interpreted by women as ‘missing the point’ or ‘brushing it under the carpet’ – when so often the opposite is true.  Left with no idea what to do next you can often walk away.  You can feel lost and confused and also a failure.

If you do walk away your partner can easily interpret your action as uncaring.  She will now create a belief that she is not enough and that you don’t love her.

Now both of you have created a belief based on supposition rather than truth.

What would happen if rather than offering solutions or diminishing the problems your ‘fix’ was to listen and learn to understand her world?

This is a skill.  A skill which needs to be learnt and then practised.

Although I have directed this post towards men there is a great deal for women here too, and a great deal for them to learn as well.

How each and every one of us responds to situations emotionally is important and should be treated with importance.  Understanding is key here.  There is no right and wrong.  If you make your emotional response ‘right’ and theirs ‘wrong’ then you have missed hearing them and have created a judgement which won’t help either of you.

Within the coaching framework that I teach this is one of the skills you will learn.  To understand that men and women have different emotional needs and responses is part of this skill as you learn to develop together.