Is fear destroying your relationship?

Fear can turn a normally loving person into someone totally different.  They can start behaving in ways they’ve never behaved before and not how they would normally act.

Gone is the loving, kind and gentle person you knew and now you’re faced with someone you don’t recognise.

If your relationship is having problems then one or both of you is probably scared.

Being scared is also being in fear

Fear of so many things – especially the future.  To protect yourself emotionally you may just ‘shut down’ or become controlling, argumentative,…  The list goes on.    But now one or both of you is no longer being true to yourself.  Feelings of rejection, being alone and lost, irritation with what’s happening all add up to you not being the you you were when you met.

Fear takes over and can hold fast but it can then distort the truth.  You are now focusing on being safe from a place of a heightened emotional state, designed to trigger flight, or some other form of action, to escape from a threat.  When this happens all our other senses close down as the mind prepares the body for action.

Just think:  The last thing you would be concentrating on is what you will cook for dinner, or whether you feel thirsty,  if you’re being chased by someone with an axe!  Your entire being would be devoting itself to fleeing and on red-alert to get you to a safe place.

What many people don’t realise is the same mechanism comes into play when more subtle things are happening – as in relationship problems.  Your brain is – as I’ve said before – designed to keep you safe and it does so by sending you messages that will do this.  The messages can be very strong and you can become so attuned to the possible threat that you are on red-alert for any sign or confirmation that things are wrong.  This is a very destructive place to be as you will probably be experiencing a mass of mixed messages and wondering if you can even trust yourself.  Fear plays a part.

So what do you do now?

Learn how to deal with fear

Well it’s important to understand that at some point in your life you will have learnt when to be in fear – some situation will have occurred and you will have created a rule for yourself that when X happens fear is triggered.  Very important at the time.  But have you, without really realising, hung onto this rule and applied it to a situation where it is, perhaps, not appropriate?  You won’t be alone – many people do this as most don’t realise they have rules and why they get triggered.

What’s needed now is to replace the ‘old rules’ with new less rigid ones which will serve you better as it’s very difficult to unlearn something without replacing it with something new.

And by the way we all have rules – whether we consciously realise it or not!

If your relationship is in crisis then investigating your rules is a vital step to take.  You may be surprised at the outcome.

If you would like to learn how, in a completely non-judgemental environment, then please do get in touch.