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Couples who succeed are doing this

Why do some relationships thrive longterm and others fail?  This is a question so many individuals ask me.  For a couple to succeed longterm it makes a marked difference if each individual focuses, as much as possible, at being the best possible version of themselves.

What do I mean by ‘being the best possible version of themselves’?

It is important to understand and learn what you can bring to the relationship.  If you focus on what you can bring then you become the solution to any crisis rather than the issue.  Relationships aren’t about what can I get from it,  but what can I give to it.

So how do you succeed in moments of crisis?

Endless circular arguments occur when individuals hold on to their view of the problem to the exclusion of the other person.  If you like they make being right more important than giving love.  If you give love, even when you feel hurt,  then you can become curious about how the other person feels.  You see each of us has our own unique map of the world and interpretations of what is happening.  Our translation of our partner’s words and actions will be based on past events, how we were raised, our underlying character and whether you are a man or a woman.  Your partner’s will be different.

To succeed in moments of crisis, confusion or argument you need to understand how your partner operates.  Of course, there will be times when your partner is not operating at their best.  Rather than criticise them for that ask yourself “What has put them in this unhappy, or, in some cases, destructive place”.  You cannot judge them as you are not qualified to do so.  No one is.  Their actions may come across badly, but why they are doing it will not be clear.  They may not even know the reason themselves.

By becoming curious and not allowing yourself to be defensive or judgemental you open up safety.

Couples who succeed know how to create a safe environment in which to discuss disagreements.  It doesn’t mean that arguments and disagreements don’t happen.  In fact, it is important they do.  If they don’t then the chances are one or both of you have given up on the other and you are no longer truly hearing each other.

How to succeed if you are currently failing

This is a skill.  In a great number of cases, it needs to be learnt.  The first part of gaining the skill is to really understand you.  Once you truly understand you and how you operate you can then tell your partner what being you is like!

Most couples who come to my sessions don’t really know what being them is.  They have created defensive behaviours which feel right but aren’t very fulfilling and then hope their partner will understand them.

In my sessions, I frequently help each individual separately find their ‘real me’.  Once they have reached their new understandings they can now understand each other.

This gives them the answers they were hunting for from a new perspective.  They can now look at their relationship with new understandings.

Not all relationships are meant to survive.  However, it is important to find out about yours with all the knowledge and understanding you can get before you take steps to end it.  You could be ending it for the wrong reasons.

If this is you then get in contact to learn the skills to give you success.

 

Succeed