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Are you self-sabotaging your efforts?

In today's post, I am going to investigate this interesting question:  "Are you self-sabotaging your efforts?" I am frequently told by my clients that they have "Tried everything to fix their problems". My response to this is: You have done everything except the thing which works Trying won't get you very far How you talk to yourself - and by that I mean the way you think problems through - will have a massive impact on how you behave and the actions you take. Let's take this … [Read more...]

I know who my partner is!

I've been going through the archives of posts on this website and came across this today.  It is as relevant now as it was 5 years ago. I know who my partner is Many couples I see have a preconceived view of their partner's intentions and behaviours.  They've ended up in crisis and now they've made some key decisions which have left them stuck and unable to move forward. Preconceptions affect our lives, often in very ugly ways.  This can seriously affect our judgement of someone.  A … [Read more...]

Walking away from emotional pain may not be the answer

If you are in a relationship which is going wrong you can feel very lonely indeed.  The emotional pain can be intense and the wish to walk away incredibly strong.  To be clear - if you are being physically attacked then get out fast.  For this post I am talking about emotional disconnect. Emotional pain is there for a reason.  It's a signal to stop doing something. In a relationship, emotional pain or hurt can feel physical.  The wish to escape and so remove the pain can feel … [Read more...]

The rules and laws on how life is lived

How you react in a crisis is down to how you learnt to react.  Each of us creates rules and laws on how life should be lived.  As I say we will have created these rules whilst growing up.  So if you get angry easily maybe your parents demonstrated this as a method of dealing with issues and so you learnt as a child that this is what one did. If your mother worried a great deal then you may have learnt to be a worrier. You will have created a focus to help you deal with the unexpected.  … [Read more...]

Are you exhausted by your relationship?

So often couples end up in crisis as they have exhausted themselves going over and over the symptoms of their unique issues rather than learning and understanding the deeper causes of their problems. They continue to use the same behaviours and methods of communication which got them into the crisis in the first place, with the result that nothing changes. Having tired themselves out they look for the reason they're exhausted and decide the relationship is wrong and cannot be fixed.  After … [Read more...]