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Are you killing your relationship without realising it?

When things start to go wrong in a relationship one or other of you can easily try to control the situation.  Love is NOT about control.

The problem is when we feel out of control our natural instinct is to attempt to regain that control.  Why?  To feel safe.

The need to feel safe is a massive driving force.  It’s in our ‘blood’.  We have always had that force.  It’s the ‘flight or fight’ driver that keeps us alive.

This issue is it can trigger when there is no need.

Rather than take a step back and wonder what the other person is feeling and why, you can resort to fighting for your ‘truth’ – your safe place if you like.  This won’t give you the answers and understanding you each need to reach each other in this time of relationship crisis.

All it tends to do is make matters worse.  This is how circular, never-ending arguments are triggered.

The right to be right is more than about control it is a need to feel safe.  However, you are now in a very unsafe place as far as your relationship is concerned.

Calm reflection in your relationship will help you.   By giving yourself the uncertainty of, maybe, considering that your right is probably not theirs opens you up to curiosity and open-mindedness both of which can help you both.

Right now – across the world – many people are feeling incredibly unsafe.  The virus which is spreading through all communities is causing a great deal of uncertainty and insecurity.  Many people are stockpiling in an attempt to regain some feeling of safety and control over their lives.  This, of course, is creating insecurity and unsafety for others.

We are living in uncertain times.  However, we will come through.  Think of your relationship in these terms and by looking forward to how you can help each other will give you new responses and answers rather than more of the same you had in the past.

Couples who attend my sessions learn how to do this from a place of safety.  By feeling safe they don’t need to hang on to control.