Your behaviours could be ruining your relationship

We all have behaviours which we have created and developed over the years by the experiences life has given us.  These probably started in childhood and added to over the years to where we are today.

These behaviours will have been designed, without us really knowing, to, in some cases, protect us from issues or pain.  Others will have been created to give us what we believe we need or want.

The problem is that some of these habits and beliefs is they may not be serving us in the best way.

So often clients tell me “it’s the way I am”.  I need to be accepted “Warts and all”.  (By the way I have yet to come across anyone who wants to live with warts!)

The problem with this view on life is precludes change and more importantly growth.  Holding on to a pattern of behaviour which is not serving you in the best way is stagnation.

Men and women have different behaviour patterns

I will give you an example:  A man who walks away or closes down, when his wife is angry or upset is failing to understand her and meet her need to be heard.  It may feel like the best option at the time but this is not the case.

Similarly a woman who pursues her husband when he has told her he needs some time on his own to work on something has failed to understand that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her – he just needs time to think something through.

Behaviours can be changed

A pattern of behaviour or habit can be changed.  The issue is that so many believe that it isn’t possible.  They cling to their patterns of behaviour as for them they form part of their identity.  This of course is an illusion.

The illusion that their way is the only way and that the problem lies because their partner doesn’t understand them.  This stops new possibilities and, as I have said before, growth.  We all need growth.

People in this place will frequently fight for being right or ‘winning‘.  The win of course means that the other individual has to lose – which in effect means the relationship loses. So the win is also an illusion.

A relationship that works is not a competition – it’s a partnership.  A partnership doesn’t rely on one ‘winning’ and the other ‘losing’. It works when both partners learn through discussion and even arguments how to create a mutual win.  This in turn will bring security and understanding and meets the need to feel loved.

Learn how to change your behaviours

The issue for many of the couples I see is that initially they don’t believe it is possible to adopt new habits and so hold fast to the behaviours that have brought them to my sessions in the first place.  By embracing the understanding that they can change these patterns of behaviour and still have all their needs met they feel safer and so able to reconnect with their partner often with a deeper connection than they had before.

These new habits or patterns will give them the ability to deal with any future emotional issues with a greater confidence as they help each other together.

If you are suffering then don’t leave it until it’s too late.  Seek help now and learn how to create deeper understanding and connection with your partner.