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Will Coaching Save My Marriage?

In today’s post I will address the question I am frequently asked:  “Will coaching save my marriage?”

By the way this applies to any long-term relationship – not just those who are married.

Rather than answer with a straight yes or no I will discuss this in more depth.

Does coaching always bring a couple back together?  Not always.   It doesn’t work if the couple being coached are not willing to explore and learn new behaviours.

It won’t work if the relationship is not supposed to last.  If it is the wrong relationship. However coaching will enable the couple to understand this.  It gives them the tools to make the right choices for them.  This may not be the ones they expected.

It will work if the couple commit to the process

I work with couples to find out if they can become a team again.   A team both of them want.  A team driven to meet the needs of each of them and a team driven to meet a shared goal and a desire to work together and be together.

I teach them the tools to help themselves and each other.  I help each of them to connect with their true selves.  To put it another way: to become the best version of themselves they can.

From this place they discover a new strength in the relationship.  One which meet their needs.  One where issues and occasional conflicts are not situations to run from.

Where did they go wrong?

So many couples adopt a fingers-crossed approach to their marriage and have little or no concept of what they want from their marriage or each other long-term.  They often don’t think further than settling down together and having children.  The rest they leave to chance.  After all ‘good relationships should just work, shouldn’t they!’

Now one or both is lost.

They know they feel wrong but don’t know why

They don’t know why they feel the way they do, so they don’t know how to fix it.  How can they if they don’t know the root cause of what’s happening around them.

In some cases one partner may decide they need space. Space can mean different things to different people. So the one left to deal with the request then reacts by giving  ‘space’ in the way it means space to them without finding out what space means for their partner.  Now the situation can easily escalate and get worse.

Communication breaks down and often the bickering increases.  Or silence becomes the norm.

In other cases one may create behaviours that are alien to them in an attempt to get their needs met.  I include affairs in this category.

What does Coaching Involve?

Couples who come to my sessions learn how to understand each other’s view of the world and how it works for them.  They learn how to understand the meaning behind each other’s words.  They learn how to meet each other’s needs.

Will coaching save my marriage?

So to return to the topic of today’s post.  Will coaching save my marriage?  The answer is Yes and No.

It works because once the couple commit to understanding themselves and each other at a deeper level.  Finding out why they each behave the way they do they can make informed choices rather than rely on guesswork or beliefs which may not be true.

Often this requires practice to replace the old patterns of behaviour with new ones.  A bit like learning to ride a bicycle – it can seem strange to start with.

With new understanding the couple have more choices.

Choices

Choices on whether some of their current limiting beliefs are serving them in the best way today.  They can choose to change their behaviours so they serve themselves better.  They can choose to meet their partner’s needs as they now understand where their partner is coming from.

From this point of total understanding they can help each other to bring out the best in each other rather than not.

Or they can decide that they are not compatible and so end the relationship. But they are ending it from a position of understanding and knowledge rather than misunderstandings from the past.

Coaching enables a couple to make informed choices and removes the guesswork from any decision to stay together or split.