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Why do people cheat?

Why is it that a relationship or marriage which started out with such hope and love falls apart?  Why is it one or other of you cheats?  What do I mean by cheating?

Before I answer these questions I want it to be absolutely clear.  Having an affair is never the answer.

Now to those questions.  I will answer them in order.

Why do relationships fall apart?

For men and women the answer is often very different.   However, the deep rooted cause is to do with meeting our needs.  If our needs are not being met then the marriage will seem wrong.  This is a scary place to be.  The future looks hopeless.  The requirement to have our needs met is so strong a man or woman will now begin to behave in ways they can’t believe they are doing.  Driven by a fear of their current future they can easily become someone they don’t like.  They can create behaviours which they dislike in themselves.  Now their partner finds themselves living with someone they don’t recognise. It is easy at this point to look elsewhere for a solution.

Why do people cheat?

This follows on from what I’ve said above.  The need to have our needs met is a strong driver.  Cheating can be a progression for some people.  They feel loved again.  This doesn’t, actually, have so much to do with sex.  It is driven by our need to feel special.  For women to feel heard and understood.  For men to feel they are successful.  Men and women have different drivers.

What do I mean by cheating?

Clearly there are some obvious answers:  Affairs being one.

But there are so many definitions which could fall into a less black and white answer.  For example for some it will be their partner watching porn on the internet.  For another it could be a flirty comment made to someone of the opposite sex.  Kissing might or might not be considered cheating, depending on your own unique view and outlook on life.

I come back to what triggers these behaviours.

For couples in trouble it is important they discover the root of the problems.  This is almost impossible for the couple to do this for themselves.  The chances are one of you is feeling defensive and the other hurt.  This is why arguments  and deep meaningful discussions rarely get anywhere.

However what is not true is that there isn’t any hope.  There is.

If this has resonated with you and you would like to know how to get out of your own place of fear and unhappiness then please contact me.