Couples in crisis can be unaware of the emotional cost of divorce

Couples in crisis need to take action fast. Time is not on their side. One or both of you will be creating coping strategies, or to put it another way patterns of behaviour to protect yourselves from more pain or from acknowledging the truth. By this I mean the truth that there needs to be new action. This works both ways – for the one who believes that it isn’t that bad and for the partner who believes there is no hope for a fulfilling future together.

One of the costs of divorce is not taking action to find out if what you currently believe is true.

Where are you today?

We all make decisions based on perceptions. These perceptions can be based on what we have learnt in the past and then, using this information, we create a perception on how the future will be.  Our decisions are also based on our own emotional filters; the feelings we are experiencing at the time. All these added together create our beliefs.  Now this may be a good place to be but if you are reading this my guess is this is not the case for you right now.

The feelings we give ourselves are real but so often they may not be true.  So you may have created a belief for yourself which has no foundation. Unless you take time to really find out the truth you could be about to make a decision based on a falsehood.  One that will ultimately not give you the future you want.

Does your partner know what you need?

All of us have a reality on how we see the world. What certain behaviours mean to us. We have created this for ourselves over the years based on how we grew up, what we were taught and how we were treated.

This is unique to you.

With this blueprint we work to ensure our needs and values are met in a way that we need them to be met. The aim of this is to move us towards pleasure and away from pain.  When we feel scared or angry, insecure or hurt, it can be a sign that our values and needs are not being met in the way we believe they need to be met.  Unless you understand what you need and you take time to consider if these needs are achievable and – in many cases – actually what you need rather than what you think you need – then no-one else can truly make you happy.

If you don’t know then you will become frustrated, angry, irritated, annoyed and this will then trigger a feeling of being misunderstood and unloved.  To avoid pain many will now shut down to avoid further feelings of pain.  Now there is no closeness. No love.

Do you know what your partner needs to be happy?

As I said above you are unique and your blueprint for the world as you see it is unique to you. Do you know and understand your partner’s blueprint.

The opportunities for misunderstanding each other are huge. Couples in crisis can spend a great deal of time misunderstanding each other and so creating pain for themselves which is completely avoidable, purely by not understanding and appreciating each other’s blueprint, strengths and differences.

The Cost of not understanding

The cost of divorce is emotionally and financially much greater than most couples believe.  Many break up their marriage from a place of fear rather than a place of understanding.  Many regret their decision.

Avoid the cost of divorce

To all couples who come to my sessions all I ask is they keep an open-mind to what they may learn and discover. That they take the time to really learn how to understand themselves and each other.  To take the time to learn how they can become more of who they are supposed to be rather than the version of themselves they have created to avoid their current pain – which may not be who they would truly love to be. To discover that they can become the person who is loved and supported by their partner in the way they need and who understands them so well that they can be themselves and still be loved unconditionally.

From this place of understanding trust is restored and with that a knowledge that no matter what the future throws at them they are part of a team which will know how to come through and be successful.

They avoid the cost of divorce.