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The importance on NOT winning

In today’s post I will look at the importance of not winning.  So what do I mean by that?

So often in times of conflict in a relationship one partner makes winning their goal.  This objective can be so strong that the other ends up capitulating just to get some peace!  By the way this applies to both men and women.

Over time this will have a very detrimental effect on the relationship.

For the winner

The winner” can become:

  • arrogant
  • cold towards their partner
  • a bully
  • unfeeling
  • resentful
  • uncaring

Frequently the winner will often fail to see there are problems and convince themselves that all is well in their marriage.

I often hear comments like  “But she always agrees with me”; “He usually lets me have my own way – he’s so good like that”.

You will see from my list above that I also included resentful.  The problem of winning all the time is the winner gets no growth.  They fail to meet this need we all have in us to grow and learn from incidents and situations.  As a result although winning seemed to be the right goal at the time the winner can end up feeling unfulfilled.  Now although winning is still necessary to them it doesn’t feel great when they do.

The winner can then hunt for a reason and decide it’s the relationship which is wrong rather than face the other possibility that their behaviour within it is giving them these feelings.

For the loser

The “loser” can often end up feeling

  • a failure
  • bullied
  • unheard
  • misunderstood
  • unloved
  • resentful

There is no need for me to explain the list above.  However the loser is also responsible for losing.  If capitulating has become a behaviour pattern then the loser is also responsible for allowing the winner to win.  I hear comments like “It’s his way or no way”;  “It’s easier just to walk away”.

Again the loser is not getting any growth in the relationship and is lost to know what to do.

So how do you stop this happening?

Create a win win

How do you do this?  You learn.

You learn not to win.  If you make giving love more important than winning – and you BOTH do this – you are now in a different place altogether.  That doesn’t mean arguments won’t happen – they will.  They should.  What it does mean that you work through the issues and help each other to solve the problems by understanding each other at a much deeper level.

Men and women have different needs and each of us has unique requirements on how our needs need to be met.  Learning about these is paramount to creating a healthy relationship which grows rather than stagnates.

My coaching and guidance helps you through this minefield of emotional turmoil and misunderstanding by giving you the tools and strategies to solve your current issues and create a future which works.