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Taking responsibility is key to your future

When your marriage (or relationship) is in crisis it can feel almost impossible not to blame your partner for the feelings you have right now. This is especially true if your partner’s behaviour seems irrational, out of control or overpowering. Blame is, in many ways, a method of keeping us feeling safe and validating our right to feel the way we do, but it also avoids taking responsibility for ourselves.

What does blaming and avoiding responsibility give you?

It gives you permission:

  • to blame
  • to be right
  • to make your feelings their fault
  • to remove other options for you both and to avoid growth

If you do this you now make your partner wrong. Which won’t, in all likelihood, improve their emotional attachment to you or improve their behaviours. I have yet to come across anyone who feels more love and affection to someone who criticises them!

Taking responsibility is one of the key to your future

I know this probably feels like a tough ask right now. However, it really is one of the keys to a possible great future together, where the pain of where you are right now can be removed.

This is the first step. There are many more which need to be worked through so that both of you can discover if you are meant to be together – from a place of honesty and truth. That place where you not only acknowledge your part in the issues but can then work together in new ways so you don’t end up back in this place of crisis.

The struggle can be tough at the beginning as you accept a new level of responsibility. Yes, I do see people who acknowledge their responsibility and then walk away from a possible deep connection with their partner because it is easier than opening their mind and becoming curious about how their life could be different.

Some people are not ready to be helped and getting help will not be the right option for them just yet. It is important though not to leave it too long as sometimes getting help comes too late.

Accept responsibility and become curious

For those who acknowledge their responsibility and then accept there are other ways to see their world then curiosity is for them the driver for a future which they hadn’t envisaged as possible. This is true responsibility.

Curiosity is also key

We learn because we are curious or interested in new options.

My job is to guide couples who seek my help into new behaviours and responses. I teach them tools and strategies that open them up to new possibilities and bring them closer in times of conflict rather than push them apart.

If this is you and you would like to learn more than now might be a good time for you to take action.