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What happens when your energy is focussed on avoiding pain

We are designed to avoid pain.  Therefore very often we focus our energy on this one important aspect of our lives.  Avoid pain whenever possible. The problem with this, within a relationship, is we forget about gaining pleasure. Many people in pain will do anything to avoid more.  This is quite understandable.  Their actions though can be destructive.  Their behaviours can change drastically as they close themselves down to 'keep themselves from feeling more pain'.  This stops them from … [Read more...]

For Couples in Crisis: Have you lost sight of the Positives

When a relationship is in crisis couples can easily lose sight of any positives.  The issue here is one of focus.  When in crisis it is all too easy only to focus on the negatives. The problem is if you focus on the negatives - be that behaviours, problems, issues or emotions - that is what you will feel and then your mind will hunt for more. It is very easy to tell yourself a negative story. Most people do it by the way, so if you are doing this you may be relieved to know you are not … [Read more...]

Do you know how to fight for your relationship

Many couples fight. Couples can fight over a long period of time.  Months to years.  They fight but they don't resolve.  It hurts and is very painful. Many do not know how to fight for their relationship because the pain of where they are is so great it doesn't seem possible to do. The arguments go round and round in circles and finally some couples get so fed up they take action.  Either they decide to leave the relationship or they get help. If you have built up a mass of resentments … [Read more...]

Is Fear Running You?

One of the problems many couples have when their relationship is suffering is one of both of you can close down emotionally and create a pattern of survival to protect yourself. Fear This is a fear state designed to keep you safe.  This can turn a normally loving person into someone very different.  They can start behaving in ways they've never behaved before and not how they would normally act. Gone is the loving, kind and gentle person you knew and now you're faced with someone you don't … [Read more...]

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me

How often have I heard that statement.  Clients come to see me with "My Partner Doesn't Understand Me" as their focus on their relationship. They tell me they feel they've been banging their head against a brick wall and don't feel heard, understood or noticed. The problem is we each have a unique view of the world and our understanding of it.  The only way we can make sense of the world is to call on our resources and 'make a match' to a similar or past event - or, when this isn't … [Read more...]