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Beliefs are frequently built on feelings – this may not be knowledge

When a marriage or relationship is failing the two people involved are often not in the same place at the same time.  What do I mean by this?  Well one person may have decided they no longer love their partner, whilst the other is still feeling a strong emotional bond. For the one who is still feeling close they believe that the relationship can survive.  The one who believes the relationship is dead can now withdraw even more.  Why? Well there are many reasons.  A common one is they don't … [Read more...]

Before you head for the exit ……

Before you head for the exit and decide your relationship is dead be sure you are taking that decision from the right place. So what do I mean by that? Someone once said "A decision made from fear is always the wrong decision". Fear that: life won't change if you stay the other person will never understand you you can't fix the issues nothing will change... There are many many more. When life feels wrong the question of what to do next is probably one that occupies … [Read more...]

How do you keep a relationship passionate?

Today's post applies to those couples who are struggling to keep their relationship passionate and connected at a deep level. I see so many couples in my sessions where one or both of them have retreated into themselves.  They have created a method of 'coping' with life and their relationship.  It's not particularly great but it can feel OK!  Even safe! For those for whom the situation is worse than this, some will have changed their entire personality to deal with the day-to-day … [Read more...]

Couples Therapy: Improve Your Relationship

Clients who attend my couples therapy sessions come to me with a myriad of issues.  Each couple is unique but many of the challenges they face are similar. In the years that I have been helping couples I have seen many similar patterns of behaviour.  These behavioural patterns have not served them. But they don't know that!  In so many cases they believe they are doing their best.  However what they have been doing hasn't worked.  They haven't got the connection and relationship they … [Read more...]

Why raking over the past is not a good idea

A number of clients who seek my help arrive wanting to go over and over what's happened in the past - sometimes in minute detail.  What has happened is important but repeatedly raking over past arguments or other negative events will only trigger the emotions you felt at the time. We all attach emotions to our memories - emotions help us remember events.  So bringing up past negative events will trigger the same negative emotions.  Resentments get stacked and emotions escalate. Raking over … [Read more...]