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What happens when your energy is focussed on avoiding pain

We are designed to avoid pain.  Therefore very often we focus our energy on this one important aspect of our lives.  Avoid pain whenever possible. The problem with this, within a relationship, is we forget about gaining pleasure. Many people in pain will do anything to avoid more.  This is quite understandable.  Their actions though can be destructive.  Their behaviours can change drastically as they close themselves down to 'keep themselves from feeling more pain'.  This stops them from … [Read more...]

Relationships can suffer when other areas of your life aren’t working

Relationships can suffer badly when you have problems in other areas of your life. Equally if your relationship is suffering then it can have a knock-on effect on your work or some other area of your life. If this is happening to you then it is worth exploring all possibilities before making a decision which could effect your entire future and be the wrong one to make. We all know when something isn't right in our lives.  However everybody reacts differently to different … [Read more...]

Before you head for the exit ……

Before you head for the exit and decide your relationship is dead be sure you are taking that decision from the right place. So what do I mean by that? Someone once said "A decision made from fear is always the wrong decision". Fear that: life won't change if you stay the other person will never understand you you can't fix the issues nothing will change... There are many many more. When life feels wrong the question of what to do next is probably one that occupies … [Read more...]

To admit you need help is a good thing

So many couples leave seeking help until it's almost too late. Frequently many don't want to admit to each other that they don't have the answers. We believe that we should be able to resolve our issues ourselves. This is all well and good if you can.  But what happens if you don't have the tools to do so?  Attempting to solve your problems from the wrong place can often make matters worse. On Friday this week there was an article in the Daily Telegraph headed "Michelle is right, we all … [Read more...]

Create your driver to change

When I first meet a couple in trouble, in their first session with me, I am frequently told by one or both that "It's all the his/her fault" "I would never behave the way he/she has" "I would never do what he/she did" "He/she is never going to change so what's the point" "It's their way or no way" The problem with remaining in this place is there is very little possibility of resolving the issues.  Their focus is on what is wrong.  Their perception is that nothing will change so of … [Read more...]