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Divorce the story and marry the truth

When a couple is in crisis and both are suffering it is easy to create a story which justifies their feelings.  However is the story true or false? From where they are currently the pain is undoubtedly true.  The problem is if the story is fairly rigid then escaping the pain can seem impossible. Blame your partner and the story can't change When a person is in pain blame is, all too frequently, the easy option.  There is a problem with this approach as now this person is stuck.  The story … [Read more...]

Change your response

How often do you respond in a predicable way to your partner?  If you have problems then in all likelihood you have created a response which is not that positive.  I want you to consider breaking your usual response to a situation or comment. Firstly I want you to  think about how you usually react to something your partner says or does. In this case I want you to think of a negative response.  Perhaps you get defensive, angry or irritated to something they say or do.  Now instead of reacting … [Read more...]

Have you both taken responsibility for how you communicate?

Time and time again I am told by couples who come to me for help that they don't talk any more, and by that they actually mean they may talk but they are not reaching each other - they don't communicate.  One or both of them tells me they feel at a loss on how to be understood.  Some tell me they don't even feel heard by their partner. Communication is a complex field This may come as a big surprise to you.  Communication can be a minefield of misunderstanding.  Why? Well to start with men … [Read more...]

Will Coaching Save My Marriage?

In today's post I will address the question I am frequently asked:  "Will coaching save my marriage?" By the way this applies to any long-term relationship - not just those who are married. Rather than answer with a straight yes or no I will discuss this in more depth. Does coaching always bring a couple back together?  Not always.   It doesn't work if the couple being coached are not willing to explore and learn new behaviours. It won't work if the relationship is not supposed to … [Read more...]

The importance on NOT winning

In today's post I will look at the importance of not winning.  So what do I mean by that? So often in times of conflict in a relationship one partner makes winning their goal.  This objective can be so strong that the other ends up capitulating just to get some peace!  By the way this applies to both men and women. Over time this will have a very detrimental effect on the relationship. For the winner The "winner" can become: arrogant cold towards their partner a bully … [Read more...]