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Taking responsibility is key to your future

When your marriage (or relationship) is in crisis it can feel almost impossible not to blame your partner for the feelings you have right now. This is especially true if your partner's behaviour seems irrational, out of control or overpowering. Blame is, in many ways, a method of keeping us feeling safe and validating our right to feel the way we do, but it also avoids taking responsibility for ourselves. What does blaming and avoiding responsibility give you? It gives you … [Read more...]

Are you sure you understand what your partner is saying?

My post today is all about questioning the messages you believe you hear from your partner. In times of difficulty, are you sure you understand what your partner is actually saying? Or are you missing their real message? When a relationship is in turmoil or suffering it is so easy to misinterpret what you hear. Our brains create meaning based on past information and learned responses. It's how we make sense of the world. It's how we keep ourselves safe. However, the issue here is - your … [Read more...]

I am at a loss to know how to make my partner happy

I see many couples in my sessions where one or both of them tell me they don't know how to make their partner happy. They still care deeply for each other but they are failing to connect. I hear the statement "I've done everything I can...." incredibly often. My response to them is "I am sure you have. But maybe you've missed the thing that worked". Each of us has a unique set of needs and a unique way for those needs to be met.  Unless we are aware of those needs at a conscious … [Read more...]

What happens when your energy is focussed on avoiding pain

We are designed to avoid pain.  Therefore very often we focus our energy on this one important aspect of our lives.  Avoid pain whenever possible. The problem with this, within a relationship, is we forget about gaining pleasure. Many people in pain will do anything to avoid more.  This is quite understandable.  Their actions though can be destructive.  Their behaviours can change drastically as they close themselves down to 'keep themselves from feeling more pain'.  This stops them from … [Read more...]

Who Taught you about Relationships?

We learn from those around us and those trained to teach us.  From our teachers in our early years we learnt how to read, write, and add up etc We also learnt from others around us.  Our parents.  The parents of our friends.  Our friends. We continue to learn every day.  Be it when we take up a new hobby or within the work environment when we are taught new skills. We rely on experts to care for our needs - doctors, dentists, even pilots to take us on our overseas holidays.  All these … [Read more...]