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Relationship Tip: Praise not Appraise

For today’s post I want you to consider the following Relationship Tip

Do you know how to Praise rather than Appraise?

Appraise

I am certain we can all connect with a time when we have had to endure the annual Work Appraisal.   Never mind how well we have done, somehow those responsible for us manage to include something in the past year that, in their eyes, we could have done better.  So regardless of all the other good stuff, we leave the appraisal interview with the information that we didn’t quite reach their expectations.

Interestingly many enlightened companies are now dispensing with annual appraisals as they have discovered that the negative effects on staff far outweigh the benefits.

My question to you is do you appraise your partner.  Have you fallen into the habit of telling your partner about their failings?  Failings, by the way, which are basically a judgement of them by you.

I have yet to find anyone who honestly likes to have their faults listed! Especially by the person who claims to love them.

Statements like

  • You could have done this better
  • You lost your temper when you didn’t need to
  • You failed to listen to what I had to say
  • You raised your voice
  • You defended your view rather than listen to mine
  • You need to work on your attitude

All have one thing in common.  They all blame.  Many of them come across as patronising, arrogant and superior.

Praise

So much better!  But do you praise?  If so how often?  Do you give that acknowledgement on a frequent and regular basis for all the good things?  Do you even give praise for the moments when things don’t go so well?

What on earth do I mean!

For instance if your partner does suddenly shout or get cross do you give yourself the chance to listen.  Do you acknowledge them by mentally saying.  “Well done for actually finding the courage to tell me something that’s bothering you”

The Goal

Rather than make everything about you have you taken time to wonder what you can do to make them feel better.  Feel safer.  Feel loved.  Feel understood.  Feel acknowledged.

This takes skill!  A skill that you both can learn and enjoy.

If you would like to learn how then please get in contact.  Now would be a good time to take action.

SI3