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No one relishes being controlled

I have yet to come across anyone who tells me their burning ambition is to be controlled by their partner! But I come across couple after couple where one partner is ‘hell-bent’ on controlling the other.

On first appearances this may not seem obvious however through one individual’s desire to have the relationship they believe they should have they can exert a control that can make the other person want to run for the hills.

I have written many times on this subject.  I’m sure you’ve read that “Love is not about control” yet time and again people resort to a behaviour that is controlling.

How does being controlled manifest itself?

Control and how it is perceived is sometimes obvious to all or only to the person who is experiencing control – in their world.

I will give you some examples of obvious control:

  • Demanding attention
  • Anger when someone doens’t get what they want
  • Demanding affection
  • Demanding recognition for good behaviour
  • Pushing for intimacy
  • Withholding intimacy
  • Expecting certain behavours from a partner

These can be overt or subtle.

So often insecurities or fear of not being enough will trigger these sorts of behaviours, or a discovery that in another part of their life the control really works!

A successful business person or lawyer  (this applies to both men and women) can be very controlling.  They may have achieved success by control.  They then use the same pattern of behaviour with their partner only to come spectacularly unstuck.  Their relationship starts to fall apart and instead of wondering why they become more and more controlling in their attempt to reach success.  They then justify their actions by telling themselves (and me!) that it’s all the fault of their partner and their behaviours!

If you remove control and decide to become someone of value to your partner then the door opens to new behaviours and so to new results.

This has to come from a place deep within you!  You can’t do this with the goal to re-establish control!  That doesn’t and won’t work.  Your partner will sense this and remain distant.

It has to be a desire.  A desire to put your partner first.  A desire to be of value.

Men and women are different!  They communicate differently.  They have different needs.  They have different roles in a relationship.   Both have to be understood.  Both have to be valued.

By absolutely buying into the concept of ensuring that your partner should never feel controlled you now take full responsibility for your relationship and your actions.  With no trading.  No ‘ifs or buts’.

Those couples who discover how to do this in my sessions discover a world they didn’t know existed. A world where they each understand the needs of the other and respect and value those needs, and, as a result,  a closeness that they didn’t know was possible.