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For Couples in Crisis: Have you lost sight of the Positives

When a relationship is in crisis couples can easily lose sight of any positives.  The issue here is one of focus.  When in crisis it is all too easy only to focus on the negatives.

The problem is if you focus on the negatives – be that behaviours, problems, issues or emotions – that is what you will feel and then your mind will hunt for more.

It is very easy to tell yourself a negative story. Most people do it by the way, so if you are doing this you may be relieved to know you are not alone by any means.

Your Crisis

Your crisis is unique to you. However from my professional position I see many similarities amongst the couples I work with.

Perhaps your partner has lied to you or failed you in some way or other and you’ve decided that this is so unacceptable that this outweighs all the good in that person. You may decide you no longer trust them and once you’ve decided that it becomes incredibly easy to find other reasons not to be with them.

It could be that they failed to listen to you on a particular occasion.  You then focus on all the other times they failed to listen to you or ignored you and you start creating your list of feeling ignored or rejected…….

We are all be susceptible to creating a belief around what we’ve experienced.  This becomes our version of the truth.  We start digging our own hole.

At this point I’m not going to say stop!  That would be trite and not the answer.  I understand it’s very hard just to stop doing something.

Never Assume – Find out

What I’d like you to do is to decide that whatever happened, your partner’s intentions were not to harm or hurt you.

Maybe they lied because it wasn’t something they were proud of doing and didn’t want to diminish their value in your eyes.  I don’t condone lying – ever  – but I’ve yet to meet someone who’s never lied.  Have you?  Most people have lied about something at some point in their lives!

They could have ignored you because their mind was focussed on a problem.

Perhaps they didn’t know how to communicate their problem.  Maybe they didn’t know how to solve your problem so hoped it would ‘just go away’.

What I’d like you to think about is how you could put yourself if their shoes and wonder why they did what they did – but with a positive intent.

If you’re feeling rejected or ignored. Have you ever ignored them?  If so when and why?

Remember the meaning you give things is created by you and you alone.

If you’d like to learn more about how to turn your meanings around and so give yourselves a deeper connection then please get in touch.