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Don’t destroy your relationship because you’re scared

The fear most people have is “Not being enough”.  This in turn leads to the biggest fear of ‘Not being loved”.

When problems happen these deep fears are triggered.

People often do the wrong thing because they’re scared.  They react to their fear and so behave in ways that they wouldn’t do if they weren’t.

Fear is an emotional state which is important for our survival.  It’s a trigger within us which will ‘fire’ when we are in danger.  The trigger will cause the Flight or Fight response.  So what’s this to do with our relationships?

Well this trigger will also  ‘fire’ when a person is in pain.  Pain that life is not right.  This can cause the person to behave irrationally – to become someone they’re not. They can disconnect and close down emotionally.  Why – because the fear is creating a protection response.  A protection against further hurt or pain.  Now the person is not living true to themselves.    A loving gentle person can become angry, irrational and cold.  They are allowing the fear – the feeling of being scared –  to run their emotions and control their responses.

Initially this will feel much safer.  But the person is now on the road to destroying their relationship.  So they are now adding destructive behaviours to a relationship which is already in crisis.  Matters will now get worse.

It is counter-intuitive to go against these fears – after all the person feels safer – their mind continually tells them they are feeling safer. They FEEL safer. But they are still feeling wrong.  They start to doubt themselves. To lose confidence in their decisions.  Some start to behave in ways they’ve never done before and wonder why.

Their partner can often now start to feel scared too and begin to behave in new ways too in attempt to ‘control’ the situation.  Not because they want to control their partner but because they are scared.  This is so important to understand.

So now the relationship has two people in it and neither are behaving true to themselves. Both are scared. Both are living in fear and actually both are stuck.

So my message to you today is don’t destroy your relationship because you’re scared.  The emotional and finance fall out is far far greater than you can imagine.  In many cases people regret their decision to leave a relationship once the emotions have died down and they look back and wonder why they did it. In some cases people are still suffering many years later.  They opted for Flight because they were scared.  But so often they had failed to understand the real reason for their emotional fear. They had created reasons for their feelings without finding out the truth.

You see there is a third option to the Flight or Fight response – there is FIND OUT.

Finding out brings so many more choices to the table.

Find out why you feel scared

Find out why you feel stuck

Find out why your partner is behaving the way they are – the chances are they’re scared too

Find out how to put it right – not just for you – but for both of you.