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Are your beliefs and destructive behaviours leading you to divorce

There are many challenges couples face in times of crisis.  Many are linked to each believing their interpretataion is the truth and no other view is possible.  On top of this it is very common for each of them to have created a protection mechanism to survive.  This can include, withholding love,  defensiveness and justification, and destructive behaviours to keep themselves emotionally safe.

Let me give you some examples

My partner wants to hurt me

Yes, they might say hurtful things sometimes.  Those moments can feel very real, however by assuming that this is their only intention your focus will change.  You have no idea why they’re saying hurtful things.  Could they be hurting too? By assuming their intention is only to hurt you will be missing a lot. By deciding, in advance, that they are going to hurt you your mind will focus and search for opportunities to confirm the belief you have created.  In fact you are now on red alert to be hurt.

My interpretation of what my partner is saying is the truth

If that truth is positive and affirming then that’s great however, if your interpretation is usually negative then you’re on a slippery slope.  Why?  Well you may well have misunderstood their communication style or their underlying request.

When we take in information we filter it to understand it better.  We all do this.  Filters are based on many things, including how we were raised. The environment we lived in and how our parents talked to each other and to us.  These filters create a behaviour structure. Which can be great…. or not so good.  The most important point is it is easy to misunderstand the other person.

We should have the same values

We all have values we live by.  So many people don’t actually know what those truly are for them or they have created values and rules that can be tough for them to meet – never mind their partner.  You may well have different values.  These should not be dismissed but treated as strengths.  Understanding how to use each other’s values and strengths will help you become closer.  Dismissing them is dismissing your partner .

Love dies over time and once lost cannot be regained

Loss of love and an intimate connection happens when one or both of you are protecting yourself.  It can feel permanent and many of my clients, at the start of their work with me, tell me that they don’t believe they can get it back.

The challenge for them is to understand they are doing this to themselves to keep emotionally safe.  You can’t feel emotionally close to someone you are protecting yourself from.  By learning how to become emotionally safe within the relationship opens the door to regain the close connection with your partner.

Control

Love is never about control or issuing orders to your partner.  If you feel controlled by your partner you can feel shut in.  This doesn’t create an atmosphere where love and passion can thrive.

Withholding love will make them love me more

Withholding or punishing your partner will not bring them closer.

Criticizing my partner will make them change

I have yet to find someone who likes to be criticized, yet I see so many couples hell bent on lengthy criticisms of each other.  Frequently the result of this is each person digging in to their view and exacerbating a destructive behaviour.

Are you holding on to the wrong beliefs?

If you are holding on to your beliefs, and some of the above examples resonate with you, then you could be heading for a divorce which is not only unnecessary but also the wrong decision.

It is so important to find out before it is too late.  Contact me to learn how to rescue your relationship and give yourself back the passion you want.