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Couples can inadvertently set themselves up to fail

Many couples arriving for their first session with me have developed a relationship together which, without them realising it, has set them up to fail.

Each has collected information over the years on past actions by their partner which has given them lots of examples of failure.

Now their focus is on failure. By focusing on failure they are ignoring any opportunities for success.

Why want to fail?

It is important to understand what’s going on for each individual. Why should failure take precedence over success?

Some people don’t believe they have the right to succeed.  Others believe their partner doesn’t want to succeed.  If this is the case then they can sabotage any possibility for success so they can confirm to themselves their inner belief.

By doing so they can keep ‘safe’.  What do I mean by this?

Well if you have created a protection mechanism to avoid more pain you have, in all likelihood, closed off the chance to experience love too.  Both these are vulnerable states and the polar opposites of emotion but they are linked together – by vulnerability.  If you close down these emotions you can avoid feeling vulnerable. and so you feel safe.  However – this, for many, is a lonely place to be.

Couples who work with me learn strategies to help them see through the problems of the past to new understandings.  What is interesting is that having learnt the strategies, some find themselves doing the opposite of what they’ve learnt as their inner belief overrides the new learnings.

They can do this without realising what they are doing. Our beliefs can be very powerful and can dominate our lives.  This can cause immense pleasure or immense pain.

May be someone said something to you years ago which you took on-board and then believed to be true.  This has then shaped your future and your life without you knowing why.  You didn’t question it so you live by it.   Now you have created a core belief based on someone else’s chance remark.  Without knowing you can then act to meet this new belief and so confirm it to be true.

It is so important that we take care of what we say to others.  That we don’t inadvertently create a belief structure which won’t serve them in the long run.

Check how you speak to yourself

Rather than do yourself down by telling yourself you can’t do something or you are not capable start reminding yourself you can:

I can:

  • give love
  • invest and succeed in my future – come what may

Failure to Success

One of the main issues for someone stuck in ‘failure’ is they are often focusing on themselves. They live in their belief and they don’t believe they can feel differently or they will be appreciated.  Some can believe that success will only be temporary – so why bother.

Commit to success

Learning how to change your core belief can be hard on your own.

If you would like to learn more then please get in contact.  We all deserve success and a close relationship.