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Control is never the answer

Many couples who come to see me looking for answers to their relationship problems complain that one of them has become a controller.  Control is never the answer. This applies to both men and women – so it is by no means the norm these days to hear the woman say she is being controlled by her man.

Love is not about Control

Love is about freedom and enjoying each other’s differences and appreciating each other’s strengths.  It’s learning to understand the person you are with and how they see the world. If you love them then you want them to be happy. If they need help then you must become the solution rather than the problem.

So why do people resort to control?

Lack of confidence or feeling a high need for safety can trigger someone to want to control the other.  In fact it is a desire to create an environment where they believe that if they control as much of their world as they can then nothing can go wrong.  Control can equal safety.

In a relationship this can trigger precisely the opposite.  The controller ends up getting what they are desperately wanting to avoid.  You see if you have become a controller then your partner is going to feel controlled.  Feeling controlled is like being locked in a cage.  Initially it might feel that he or she is protecting you.  However if you start to feel you cannot voice your own feelings or views or your actions are controlled or have to be sanctioned it won’t be long before you have an overriding desire to escape.

Types of control

Control comes in many forms and many disguises and often is not seen by the ‘controller’ as control.  Understanding the root cause of the control and why it’s there is one of the first steps I work with in helping couples change the behaviour pattern, so starting their route to a closer connection.

The root causes are varied, they can lie in how you were brought up, past failures or lack of self-confidence.  A need to feel you are noticed.  Being noticed is important to us all but if your actions to get noticed are destructive rather than beneficial to your partner and your relationship then it is vital you find out why you are triggering these behaviours and discover how to change them.

If you feel you’re being controlled by your partner and want to change the dynamic so you can both grow and connect at a deeper level then please get in contact.

If you are worried you have become a controller and want to learn how to have the confidence and self-assurance to do the opposite then now is the time to deal with it and find out how to become a solution to your partner rather than the cause of their pain.