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Clarity is key

Couples who come to my sessions are frequently confused, hurt and lost.  Lost with how to solve their issues and looking for clarity – clarity that their current feelings are true.

Clarity is Key

A couple came to see me recently convinced their relationship was over but looking for confirmation that they were on the correct path to divorce.

The fact that they needed confirmation said to me that, despite their protestations, there was an element of doubt in their minds.

Their relationship was not giving them much of what they wanted.  The desire for each other had all but vanished and the future looked bleak.

From this place of misery it is easy to blame the relationship and your partner for feeling the way you do.  Especially if you can find happiness away for home in, say, your job or a hobby or out with friends.

My question to them and to those of you reading this is: Are you being you when you are with your partner, or have you created a version of yourself which is not the real you?  Are you protecting yourself?  Do you actually like yourself when you are with them?

To have a successful relationship you have to be successful with you – when you are in it.

When you are in a painful situation you will naturally protect yourself from the problem as best you can.  Within a relationship this frequently results in one or both of you closing down your emotions and shutting the other person out of your life.  You may be there physically but you are no longer there emotionally.

Now clarity says to you – get out.  But until you know the real reason for the pain you cannot be certain you have the right solution.

Confusion

Men and women have different needs and different ways of expressing how those needs need to be met.

For men this can seem incredibly confusing.  Their woman seems to give them contradictory information, and whatever they do they feel they fail.  Now he feels unsuccessful and loses hope.

For women they can feel their man is cold and doesn’t understand them as they ‘battle’ to feel heard and understood.

The couple I mentioned at the start of this post learnt, with me, where they had failed to understand each other.  They discovered the underlying requests in each other’s communication. They learnt how they could put it right.  By working on new behaviours and ways of communicating they re-ignited the feelings they had had for each other when they first met.

They discovered the clarity they really wanted rather than the one they believed they had no option but to accept.