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Are you sure you understand what your partner is saying?

My post today is all about questioning the messages you believe you hear from your partner. In times of difficulty, are you sure you understand what your partner is actually saying? Or are you missing their real message? When a relationship is in turmoil or suffering it is so easy to misinterpret what you hear. Our brains create meaning based on past information and learned responses. It's how we make sense of the world. It's how we keep ourselves safe. However, the issue here is - your … [Read more...]

I am at a loss to know how to make my partner happy

I see many couples in my sessions where one or both of them tell me they don't know how to make their partner happy. They still care deeply for each other but they are failing to connect. I hear the statement "I've done everything I can...." incredibly often. My response to them is "I am sure you have. But maybe you've missed the thing that worked". Each of us has a unique set of needs and a unique way for those needs to be met.  Unless we are aware of those needs at a conscious … [Read more...]

Are you in the right place to solve your current problems?

When couples meet and fall in love they are essentially in 'marketing mode'. Each person is running the best version of themselves so the person they are attracted to sees all the good in them. Both of you are meeting each other's needs and together you create a wonderful chemistry. Over time various life events happen. Children, job changes, new hobbies and unless we keep connected then the relationship can suffer. Both men and women can start to run different versions of themselves at … [Read more...]

Couples in crisis can be unaware of the emotional cost of divorce

Couples in crisis need to take action fast. Time is not on their side. One or both of you will be creating coping strategies, or to put it another way patterns of behaviour to protect yourselves from more pain or from acknowledging the truth. By this I mean the truth that there needs to be new action. This works both ways – for the one who believes that it isn’t that bad and for the partner who believes there is no hope for a fulfilling future together. One of the costs of divorce is not … [Read more...]

Divorce the story and marry the truth

When a couple is in crisis and both are suffering it is easy to create a story which justifies their feelings.  However is the story true or false? From where they are currently the pain is undoubtedly true.  The problem is if the story is fairly rigid then escaping the pain can seem impossible. Blame your partner and the story can't change When a person is in pain blame is, all too frequently, the easy option.  There is a problem with this approach as now this person is stuck.  The story … [Read more...]