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Build resentments and your relationship will die

When couples finally seek help they have frequently already built a stack of resentments against their partner.

They arrive in my sessions with their list of resentments which they have each created for themselves over the months and years.

These resentments have taken hold in their consciousness and now they are living a life they don’t like.

Build resentments and your relationship will die

They have stopped being the people they are supposed to be.  The people they were when they first met.

To survive they have also built a wall around themselves to protect them from what they perceive is now a hostile world.

Their emotions are on alert for examples of:

  • Revenge
  • Guilt
  • Criticism
  • Jealousy
  • Retaliation
  • Lying
  • …………… – the list is a long one

By the way none of the above are going to bring the couple closer together.

No one has ever felt closer or more love for anyone that resorts to any of the above.

Build bad behaviours and your relationship will die

  • How can someone feel more love if their partner is hell-bent on revenge or retaliation.
  • None of us feel a closer, warmer connection towards anyone who criticises us.
  • If you can’t trust your partner to tell you the truth and you catch them lying to you you will feel less respect and so less love.
  • Guilt is not a pretty emotion if the person clings to it and then justifies their subsequent actions by saying they feel guilty.  In the long run guilt will hamper someone from moving forward.  Frequently they just remain stuck in their guilt, unable to take any action.

When a couple comes to their first session with me my task is to understand what they are doing to each other.  And for them to understand what they are doing to each other.  The effect of their actions on their relationship and why they cannot resolve their issues using the same behaviours they have in the past.  The behaviours they have used in the past have created their current crisis, so using the same behaviours is unlikely to resolve the crisis.

If you do what you’ve always done you will get more of what you have always had.

Create new behaviours and your relationship has the opportunity to grow

Working with me the couple learns how to create new behaviours from a position of safety and understanding of who they are supposed to be.  They learn how they can help each other feel safe.  They learn how to create a secure connection and so discover how to become a team together.  A team with a connection that cannot be broken – never mind what life throws at them in the future.

Not all relationships should survive. 

Some relationships are not meant to survive.  But if you make your choice to split, based on your current fears rather than learning the truth of what you have been doing, you could be making the wrong choice.

Don’t let that be you.

SI3