Arguments – a good thing or bad?

So are arguments a good thing or a bad thing?

A couple who never argues is unlikely to be experiencing much passion at all!   So yes arguments at one level at least spark passion and feelings and so are good.  They can act as a barometer on how strongly you both feel. After all if you can’t be bothered to argue your point you may have well reached an apathetic state.  But you could also be scared to argue – scared of the repercussions of the argument. Scared you won’t be heard.

Arguments are healthy if they aren’t happening all the time, every day.  Arguments are healthy if you are able to make up afterwards. In fact for some couples the  argument is what sparks the intimacy between them.

But for those couples who find themselves in a spiral of endless arguments where neither feels they are heard and which result in more fury or apathy, resentment and hurt then this is far from healthy.

It is quite normal to hang on to our point-0f-view in the middle of a heated argument.  After all we are focusing all our energy and brain power into putting over our own feelings and views and so frequently will fight to defend that view!

It’s what happens next that is important.  Did you really mean to hurt your partner?  The answer, if you care, is no.  Did you mean to undermine them?  Again no.

So if you know this then when you argue remember that your partner is not trying to hurt you – they need to be heard and understood – from the way they feel – not the way you feel.  So rather than defend, explore.  Explore and listen.  You may find the way they see things is totally alien to how you do. This is highly likely.  You haven’t lived their life so their take on it will be different.  Rather than turn them to seeing things your way.  Really use the opportunity to see it theirs.

You may well be surprised.

You see the more we understand our partner the more they are going to feel safe to tell you things before it gets into a crazy argument filled with anger, irritation or fear. Fear of not being understood.  They may not even understand themselves – it’s just the way they feel in the moment.  And once they feel safe to argue then you will too.

If you would like to learn more on how to have successful arguments rather than destructive ones then please get in contact.