Are you in the right place to solve your current problems?

When couples meet and fall in love they are essentially in ‘marketing mode’. Each person is running the best version of themselves so the person they are attracted to sees all the good in them. Both of you are meeting each other’s needs and together you create a wonderful chemistry.

Over time various life events happen. Children, job changes, new hobbies and unless we keep connected then the relationship can suffer. Both men and women can start to run different versions of themselves at home which now cause a disconnect between them.

Couples who come to my sessions frequently tell me they don’t recognise the person they are now with. The connection has died and, in some cases, they feel they are living with a stranger.

We all have different sides to our personality. For instance, when you go to work you are in Work Mode. This probably means you are focused on your job using the skills you need to carry out the job in hand. If you bring that version of you home you could now find yourself treating your partner as an employee, work colleague or boss. This is not what your relationship is about.

If you are a busy parent then treating your partner as one of the children or staying in parent mode when you are together on your own won’t work either.

If you are not living true to yourself and you have created a distorted version of yourself at home then your relationship cannot grow and remain connected.

What people do to feel safe

To keep themselves safe people can close down and retreat in order to avoid feeling more pain, or left out, or hurt and to keep clear of arguments.

From this place it is almost impossible to solve the issues you have. It is easy to become defensive or aggressive in your attempt to justify yourself and your feelings. Now the chances are you are not hearing your partner’s request to feel heard and understood from where they are. All you are doing is hanging on to your own pain.

How to solve it

It takes courage and curiosity to seek help and to find out how to change the dynamic you have created. The desire to find out needs to become your new driver. This puts you back in charge of you which gives you the power to solve the issues you have.

Learning what you’re doing and why is the start. The next step is learning what you can do differently.

If this is you then please contact me.